I was told that marriage was supposed to be a team effort, but early on I learned otherwise. My husband in the 1960’s was a manipulative person, and could sweet talk me into agreeing that he should have the bulk of our meager discretionary funds. As long as he got his cigarettes, wine, and entertainment toys, it was alright for me to serve mac and cheese, shop at Goodwill and make all my own and the girl’s clothes. We never went without, but when the choice came down to saving some money for the oldest boy’s education fund, or buy a sportscar for his “prestige”, the car won. The $ that went into keeping up a 1971 Jaguar XKE would have been much greater if he had not the skills to work on the Red Beast himself.
I never even had a set “allowance” for fun stuff of my own, all was going towards the family and I could stretch a dollar until it screqamed for mercy.
My husband was not a religious man, but did inheret a rascist, sexist, fascist attitude from his German parents., whose family back in the Old Country thought that Hitler was” not all that bad”. Right.
Control of everything was the order of the day, with my husband trying to make things perfect in his work, and not accepting any slipshod stuff around him at home.
To make money go farther, I would haul a free chair off the sidewalk and recover it with old jeans, I cooked a lot of beans and cornbread, made tuna casseroles way too often, shopped for bargains, and home canned jam whenever I could get the fresh berries for free.
Our “vacations” consisted of visits to his family farm, and one trip to Yosemite. Otherwise it was the drive in movies and hobby built hi fi music.
When my husband started in with his infedelities while I was pregnant with the third baby, I forgave him and kept up appearances.
His continued infidelities while I was pregnant with the fourth baby, drove me to have my tubes tied, in the hope that one day I could get free of obligations to “family”. I consider infidelitiy a form of control also, in that the guilty party wants to exert his way of life, and even tried to form a wife swapping club at one time when it was all the rage in the 1970’s.
Of course, the raging jealousy that came over him at the very thought that I would have an affair soon put that idea in the refuse pile.
It is a good thing that we both were not in a controlling religion, me being a lapsed Catholic, but other women have not vbeen so lucky. The Xtian religions are controlling, but women are finding that they do not need to go along with restrictive birth control dictates, or dress codes, or food choices.
In fact, having no church memberships in my marriage helped keep us from fighting about just one more thing besides money and infidelities.
On various bulletin boards I read of other cases where women have to fight for their right to be self confident, and waging war against the nacissist personality never comes easy. My case is only one of many who are being subjected to controlling males who think that they are their own god, and everyone else should bow down before them.